Being Confidently Alone

I’ve noticed that at points in the past, I have almost wanted a Siamese twin so that I wouldn’t have to be alone.  Now that I reflect upon this wish, I see that being connected at the hip would sharply reduce my freedom.  Think of it- having to agree with someone before you could do something as simple as getting out of bed or putting your clothes on.

Sometimes when we fear being lonely, it is tempting to want to become emotional Siamese twins with other people, so that we don’t have to experience feelings of loneliness.  Deciding to make ourselves into an emotional Siamese twin of others seriously reduces our freedom, our ability to explore all life has to offer and even our ability to authentically choose the company of others.

I currently happen to be single and live on my own, so I have been developing a set of skills, which I like to call the skills of being Confidently Alone.

Nurturing the skills of being Confidently Alone can give a person freedom no matter their relationship status or their living situation.  I brainstormed a short list of the freedom that learning to be Confidently Alone can afford a person:

  • The freedom to do any activity that appeals to you, even if no body is available or wants to do it.
  • The freedom to remove yourself from people or social situations that don’t reflect your values or bring you joy.
  • The freedom to CHOOSE to be alone when you want.
  • The freedom to CHOOSE to be single when you want.
  • Enjoy the freedom to really CHOOSE to be with people when you are with them.
  • The freedom to live without dread that people might one day leave you.

And here is a short list of tips that I have found useful when cultivating the skills of being Confidently Alone:

  • Look for opportunities to be Confidently Alone.  Notice times when you want to do something and no one else does.  Instead of choosing not to do the activity, choose to do it Confidently Alone.
  • Focus on the present moment and the activity that you are doing when you are Confidently Alone.
  • Give yourself the gift of having fun when you are Confidently Alone.  It is a myth that people can only have fun when they are with other people.  Disprove it for yourself.
  • The more you practice being Confidently Alone the more skilled you will become at this practice.

May we all experience the freedom to be Confidently Alone and through this freedom, experience a new level of freedom in connecting with others.

Game of the Day

What is your next step in developing the skills to be Confidently Alone?

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3 responses

  1. Great food for thought, Jason. I’ve always been terrified of being alone–still am. And I’ve been thinking on it a lot lately–the older you get the more those thoughts enter your mind. I don’t like feeling this way. There’s an actor friend whom I see occasionally at conventions, and one of the first things i remember him saying was to “face your fear,” no matter how terrifying it may seem. So I’ve tried to understand the fear of being alone that I have, and I’ve determined that my fear of being alone with myself is based on my lack of trust in myself. I’ve never been alone–other than being an only child, of course–I’ve always been surrounded by protectors of sorts. I want to enjoy being Confidently Alone, making choices because I want to do so and don’t feel obligated to do so. It sounds peaceful to me. I’d like some peace. But first I think I have to figure out the trust issue. Any more great food for thought on that, Jason? Though we’re far apart – you are loved!

    • Hi Tonie, Thanks so much for sharing! I’ve found that sharing what is going on in our lives is a great first step towards creating an opening for new action. I hear you say that you notice that you often tend to want to be around people so that you feel safe. And that you are also excited about the opportunity of feeling more at ease when you chose to be alone. I have a fun Confidently Alone game for you! Want to hear it? How would you feel about keeping a Confidently Alone Journal? This would be a journal of celebration. Every time you noticed that you spent time Confidently Alone, even a short amount of time like 10 or 15 minutes, you could write that in your journal and also write what you enjoyed about your time spent Confidently Alone. In this way, you would have the opportunity to celebrate building you Confidently Alone muscle. How does this game sound to you my friend?

  2. It sounds like it could help and I’ll give it a try. Unfortunately, I’m up to my neck in journaling right now for other health reasons. It’s taking up a lot of time. But I will work on this, Jason. It’s necessary. Hugs!

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